Disaster or Delight? Traveling with your Mother-in-Law

Intro

Hey Traveler! Today we're discussing an interesting question, and my guests are Nicole Frisia and Jen Sutton. Are you ladies ready for the question of the episode?

Yes!

Alright, is inviting your mother-in-law on vacation a recipe for disaster or the secret to a stress-free trip? Let's talk about it.

Oh boy.

Right? Let's start right off the bat with one that could go right off the rails and controversial, but let's do it.

Okay, so I'm going to be honest, it all depends. I have gone on trips with my mother-in-law and things have been fantastic, and I have gone on trips and they've been super awkward. Oh my gosh, I don't even know where to begin.

My first trip with my mother-in-law was before I was married. We went on a big family trip, all of us, and that was very overwhelming, not because of my mother-in-law, but because I'm an only child, and that was a lot of people.

Yeah, where did you guys go?

We went to Colorado, living our best Estes Park outdoorsy vibes. But I'm used to traveling with just me, maybe a couple friends, my parents, only child vibes. And here it's my future mother-in-law, my future father-in-law, my will-be husband at this point, his older sister and her husband, and his younger brother and his girlfriend.

And did you go camping in Colorado? Is that what you did?

Cabins, but like glamping vibes.

Were you all sharing the same cabin?

We had cabins. So myself and my now sister-in-law, my husband's younger brother's now wife, were on a pullout trundle bed together having slumber party vibes.

Oh my gosh. This is like you're not even allowed to sleep in the same room with your... No, no, no. Okay.

The boys were in the other cabin with their parents, and we were in the cabin with his older sister and her husband.

I have so many questions about this. Like this could... Yeah. How old were you?

I was 19. Okay.

I was hoping you were going to say like 17, and I was going to be like, okay, Mom, I get it. Like, let's keep them apart on a trip. But you're 19?

No, no, I would have been 20.

Okay.

All right. So I never traveled with my in-laws before I got married, but we took them to Disney for their first time because they are not travelers. And the first time we did it, I have to say, and I love my in-laws, they're fabulous people. We're very different. They're very artsy vibe. They're very... Like my father-in-law is literally an artist and a musician. And so like we're very different, but they are the kindest people. I am so incredibly blessed by that. But it was definitely incredible because I love showing new people Disney. Like it was great. We had connecting rooms at Coronado Springs. And one morning I forgot to lock the door between the two. And it was fine. I was just sitting up in bed, like drinking some water and like, no bra, no... I'm just like hanging out and all of a sudden I'm like, oh, hi.

Hi.

But it was just there were some things like that along the way that I was kind of like, I'm used to traveling either with friends or with just my husband and my daughter. Like that was an interesting experience. I was like, I need to go put a bra on and I'm going to sleep with one on if I forget to lock the door again.

So my first trip with my in-laws is very similar to Jen's, except we went to Aruba. I was 18. My parents were totally against it. So that's a different story. But it was my future mother-in-law and father-in-law, my two future brother-in-laws, my husband's aunt, uncle, two of his cousins, one of their wives, two of their kids, and then two family friends that I had never met before.

Oh, wow.

And let's just say my husband and I grew up very differently. We definitely have like different vibes for vacation. I came back from that vacation. I was like, oh, I've never felt relaxed from a vacation before. So first time traveling was fantastic. We all were able to do our own things and things together. Loved it. Definitely in my party stage. So that was fun. Man, those two times change though, because when you add a tiny human in and then people want to share that experience in different ways, it's hard to manage.

Yeah, especially people don't have good boundaries, right? Like if you are with people that have good boundaries, it can be an awesome thing. And I will say, other than opening the door that morning, my in-laws do have good boundaries. So they understood. But also it wasn't, it wasn't Allison's first trip. We'd been there many, many times. So I wasn't, I wasn't worried about that. I don't think I would have invited even my sister on our first trip. But that's me, because I was very much like, I'm protecting this. I have one child and I want these mommy memories. Yeah. But I will say that we, on that trip, we, again, they were newbies and they didn't quite understand. Like they thought Disney World was going to be like Canobie Lake Park, which is like our little like amusement park in New Hampshire. And so for years, right. It's not even close. I tried to explain. I'm like, you know, it's the size of Manhattan. And they were like, oh, okay. Because they hadn't been there either. And I was like, 47 square miles. And they were like, oh, like they could, they understood that. But I kid you not, we were in Animal Kingdom, seeing all the animals and it was fabulous. And then we went to Magic Kingdom. We were watching the parade. I don't remember which parade, maybe Festival of Fantasy, but whatever parade daytime was. And all of a sudden, my mother-in-law says, is that a squirrel? And I said, yeah, that's a squirrel. She goes, I thought we were at Magic Kingdom. And I kind of went, huh? And the truth of the matter is she's a very intelligent woman, like, but she was overwhelmed by all the things. And I won't get into it. And I won't get into it here, but I have said some crazy things when I'm not really thinking and it just comes out of my mouth. So like, no shade to her. But like, it can be a lot of work to bring somebody on vacation. And it's different. Like, you guys are kind of talking about when you did group trips. That could be a little different. But like, imagine like, if you're literally with your husband, your child, and just your in-laws. Or just you and your husband, you're used to like, now because you probably get to sleep in the same room now, right, Jen? Like, if you had a cabin, you'd get it. OK, cool. Cool, because you're an old married lady now, so things should be a little bit different.

Well, everyone's married now, so it's a little bit different, too. It's not like, oh, someone needs a buddy.

Yeah.

You have a built-in buddy now.

Yeah, exactly.

How do you guys manage the different expectations? Because like, my in-laws are very low-key. Let's take it nice and chill. And I'm like, let's go. We've got so much to do. And it's hard to balance.

I think the thing that I struggle with the most is I'm such a, like, if there's a schedule, we best stick to it. And I go with the flow as long as I made the flow. And I carefully engineered the flow. And the flow doesn't change.

Tell me you're a travel advisor without telling me. Like, come on. I love it.

Like, what about doing this today instead? And I'm like...

Did you see the plan?

There's a plan. There's a plan. Why isn't the plan happening?

So I think that that's the bit that I struggle with the most. But a little bit of like, I'll have just like a quiet little pout at my husband of like, I had a plan and the plan is no longer happening. And knowing that like, it's going to work out because these are people that I love spending time with. And I would rather be with the people than have the plan go perfectly. Sometimes I forget that in the moment.

But it's hard. It's really hard in the moment sometimes.

Yeah, I feel like it's one of those scenarios. Like, I, and this is be no surprise to either of you, but I make the plan and they follow the plan. The only, and that's because they don't travel very much. So they had been with us, they ended up going twice. My mother-in-law went with us a third time because my father-in-law was like, I'm done. I don't need to go back. But my mother-in-law was like, what? What? So that trip was interesting because we actually shared a room with her there. Which right before when they came, it was the two of them. So they had rooms either next door or nearby. But this the last time we shared a room. So it was a two queen room at Port Orleans French Quarter. And so Allison had an air mattress that I ordered from Amazon because she didn't want to sleep with Mamay. I forget how she was a little older at this point, but she was like, I don't want to do that. That was too much. That was too much together time. And I can honestly say like, I'll share a room with a bunch of like friends. But when you have like your husband and your child and there's no break. But they definitely followed my lead. They didn't question anything. When I traveled with my parents, which is my dad and my stepmom, they like do their own thing. And I'm like, hello. Like I get like your Jen, your little little pout to your husband. I have to like remind myself that they're adults and they're on vacation too. So I'm like, OK, yeah, you guys go do your thing. Text me when you want to meet up. But we're heading here because this is what I had planned for today. And they're much more like loosey goosey.

So I struggled with that on my last trip with my in-laws because it was little man's birthday and they were tired. It was our fourth day in the park. They're getting older. They don't go the same speed I do. And I get it. Like I know it's a lot. Probably two o'clock. They're like, OK, we're leaving to go back to the room for the day. And it's like, I'm sorry, what? It's his birthday. Like you can't leave now. But at the same time, like I definitely recognize they were exhausted and they weren't doing the best they could. And they needed that break. But it's definitely a struggle when plans change and your plans don't align. I don't like changing plans.

Well, because you probably had a vision for that day, especially since it was his birthday. You were like, we're going to do this and that.

And yeah, like they miss the pictures in front of the castle with us because we did that at the end of the day as like the sun was starting to set. So I really wanted them in that photos. But I do get it. Like I know I go hard at Disney and they were not prepared for that. I probably should have prepared them more.

I think some of that is also the difference between like we're all like Disney fiends.

Yeah, and they're not.

We have how we like to take on the parks. And especially if you're traveling with other travel advisors, like we can all, you know, multiple parks in a day kind of energy. And that's not the case with your like Disney rookies, even if it's not their first trip. Like if they're still like newbies or not used to that, that's different for sure.

Well, I think to the other piece that comes up is like we have to remember that it's their vacation, too. So and if you aren't a go, go, go, like I'm a little older than you two more than some. But like the I can't go the way I used to either. So I can imagine being like in your 70s, like although God don't tell me how old your in-laws are because that's going to make me feel even worse because they're probably my age instead of their 60s.

I won't let anyone think they're their 70s. They'll kill me if they hear that.

OK, OK.

But like remembering that piece. But again, is like when it's when you're doing a group vacation, that expectation, I think, is the hardest part to set. Like you got to set that from the very beginning because otherwise people get their feelings hurt.

Yeah, like the opposite is happens when we travel with my family. My family expects to do everything together. That's a lot. I love my family dearly and we do Disney very similar, but I'm like, OK, this needs to be like my family is like 20 minutes alone to do things. And otherwise, otherwise it gets a little heated.

How do your husband's reactor deal with it when it's their in-laws?

My husband is a saint. He just lets things roll off his back. I'm the one who's going to get more frustrated with my family than he is. And he'll be like, it's fine. It's fine. Just let it go. It doesn't matter. That's how fun I'm like.

Did you see what just happened?

It doesn't matter. I'm like, good for you, dude. Thank you for being home.

My parents are not big travelers, so it's a little bit harder to get them on those trips. But my husband is very patient and it is more like I'm the one that has a vision. And I feel like sometimes it's like my dad and my husband sitting there being like, what are the girls on about? My mother and I are very similar in a lot of ways. And so sometimes we can butt heads over that. I mean, so much love. I love my mom so much. But like sometimes we can get into it far more than like I really get into it with anybody else.

Yeah. Because you'll give your husband that quiet pout when it's his family. But when it's yours, you're like, I have real safety here. Lifelong safety that I can tell you. Yeah, same.

Well, and as an only child too. And I'm sure that like your daughter has some of this too, Christy. Like it is my way or the highway with my parents.

What do we do when we raised you people? Like honest to God. But you're right. And I think it's and I will actually even say Eric is also an only child. So I see that same type of thing. So it's not just about what his like what I did, but I think it's just in the only child thing. Like, yeah, my way or the highway.

It's like, yeah, I see that with my four year old too. So I get it.

Even when we're not with all of his siblings, it's still a little bit like these are shared people. These are shared experiences where when it's with my kids, it's me. I'm the princess.

As you should be.

Let's just be honest with ourselves.

I have to tell you, I think I may have told you guys a story before, but it's a client story about in-laws. I had a woman reach out to me and she was like, we want to go on a Disney trip. It's our first trip. I were so excited. So I started planning their trip. They had two littles. One was like three or four and one was seven ish. We designed the whole thing and it was exactly what they wanted. It was a car suite at Art of Animation. Like we did it. We did it great. And then probably like a month later, she reached out and she said, my mother and father-in-law want to come, but they don't want to stay at a cartoon hotel. So where could we move before it was done? I kid you not. You guys, they were in a two bedroom villa at the Riviera.

Oh, not with little kids.

Right. Which I was going to say is one of my absolute favorite resorts as a grown adult.

I don't even feel like I'm grown up enough for the Riviera sometimes.

Same. Same. I hear you.

I hear you. And I was so sad for her. I tried to help her and she basically a couple of times was like, I don't even want to go anymore. I don't even want to go. And I was like, what can I do for just you? Like, let's build something. But I think her in-laws were so overbearing that like, and they ended up paying for most of it.

I was just going to ask that that does play a huge part. who pays.

Yeah, because she was like, well, we were prepared to pay this much. And now the trip, I mean, it was I believe that one was close to $18,000 when it was all said and done. And that didn't include the flights. That was just like ground transfers. and all of that. But she was she enjoyed herself in the end. But the amount of angst that she had. And at one point, like right close to travel, pass final payment, pass the point of no return. She was like sobbing and saying she didn't even want to go. And I felt so bad. She like I said, she did end up having fun. But I think that goes back to what we were talking about boundaries. And whether it's your parents or your in-laws, it doesn't really matter if you're traveling with people that can't respect the boundaries. Like, I think if it had been me, I can honestly imagine if my in-laws cared about where they stayed, they would have stayed at Riviera and we would have met at the parks. Like they would have never in a million years. or they would have chosen to stay at Art of Animation with us because the point is to be there with us and their granddaughter, not something else. I just I think about that lady all the time. She has booked another trip, not to Disney, but her and her husband went away and left the kid at home, the kids at home with the grandparents, which she was like, that was way more my speed.

Adding little people changes the dynamic, too. And I don't have that experience. So we have our one niece that and that changes the dynamic of like plans that we make, of course, for her. But it's everyone wants to be there with her. So like the things that we want matter far less because we want to see her experience. That's why we're all going. That's why we're all together. So, yeah, that's I don't feel grown up enough further of a year. I can't imagine being a little kid and that being my picture of Disney.

I will say, like, I do have certain clients who actually just texted me yesterday. Like, I want a Ritz Carlton vibe wherever we stay. And I was like, with your four tiny humans. Yes, because that's what they're accustomed to. So for them, love, perfect, perfect. But to go from a car suite to Riviera, it's rough.

And everybody has their own vibe. So like, that's your thing. Great. But like, if it's not.

And you know what? The money part. This is one thing. when I talk to my husband about prepping for this last night and thinking of all the stories that we have gone on about the money part is the trickiest part because we have different priorities in my in laws. Like, we're in different parts of our lives. And when we went on our last trip with them, we wanted specific things for little man's birthday. So like, we wanted to do a character dining. Well, my mother has limitations on what she can eat. So sitting down to a buffet, like she couldn't eat a lot of it. And we felt really bad about that. And we're like, we don't want her to have to pay for this. So we covered the cost of that. But then they felt like they had to cover the cost of something else later on. And that was never the intent. So the money piece definitely makes things uncomfortable at times. But I think as long as you talk about it open and honest in the beginning, a lot of that can kind of hash itself out.

Well, I feel like money in general, right? They say that like, and we all know because we're grown ups at this point, money is the root of a lot of arguments and a lot of misunderstandings. And there's such a power dynamic that comes to play like, or can I should say, come to play when you're talking about money and when you're talking about vacationing, whether it's Aruba or Colorado cabins, like you're dropping a lot of money here. And that dynamic there is strange. Like, I think we have always done, we've paid our own, our in-laws paid for theirs. We did when we were just my mother-in-law, we paid for her to go and she was very much like, let me give you money for this. And we're like, no. And Eric actually was very sweet. And he was like, how many vacations did you pay for me while I was growing up? Let me treat you. And she was like, we didn't go on vacation. He was like, we did. We just didn't travel by plane. Like they had vacations. And I will say when you let the moments be, that last trip I was way more relaxed. And there's a photograph that I have framed. It's gorgeous. It's Eric holding his mom's hand at night in Animal Kingdom. We had just gotten off the last safari of the night because I love to do the last one that goes out like right in that sweet spot. And I was behind them with Allison just walking and I looked up and realized she was feeling a little unsteady. You know, the ground there is a little like iffy. She's feeling a little unsteady. So he was holding her hand and walking. And I was like, this is the magic. Like it's such a Disney commercial. I love that. Yeah. Like you can have those moments, right? It doesn't mean it's all going to be fun and games because we're all humans and so you guys have fun and games either when it's an immediate family.

sometimes like there's still conflict that comes up. So if you're making the choice to travel with in-laws, extended family, whatever, you just have to be prepared for that because even if it is just the immediate, there's still it can be challenging.

Tell me please. You guys have gotten in fights with your spouses on vacation at least once, right?

We have an epic story surrounding tater tots on our honeymoon.

Oh, that's an episode we need to do because I have an epic story about buffalo steak on my honeymoon. Yes, we have to come back to that.

I have a good honeymoon story fight that is, but it was not about food. It was about eye contact with strangers.

Okay, so I'm writing this down right now because we're going to have a conversation about honeymoons. Yes. And the reality versus the commercials that you see. Like, you know, those like sandals commercials where they're just like looking at each other lovingly. And we are all happily married women, but it doesn't mean every moment looks like a sandals commercial. So we are definitely going to have to come back and have that conversation.

I have some good ones from clients too on honeymoons that are just like silly.

Love it.

Have you ever had or heard of anybody having, because we don't have to throw our own in-laws under the bus, like crazy fights with an in-law trip?

Yes.

All right, lay it on us. We're almost out of time, but lay it on us. I want to hear it.

Yeah, it was an Alaska cruise. Couple my age traveling with what would be in-laws were at the time, they were at the time engaged. Just so that that affects things too. You're not fully in yet. And this was her soon to be in-laws and they had paid for the trip. You know, that adds the power piece too. And there was a fight over the fact that she was calling her mother every day of the trip to talk in. And her mother-in-law was very upset by that. And so I was hearing about it when she got back. She was like, that was the most uncomfortable experience of my life. Because yes, I'm there with you, but also like my parents want to know what I'm doing and what's happening, the experience that I'm having. And a bit of like possessiveness over like you can't share this experience with your parents. They're not here. We paid for it.

Like that's bananas.

A bit of like your hours now, kind of that like old fashioned. You have to leave your family behind now.

Ew. Yeah.

Yeah. So that was messy. That was messy.

As a mom of a girl, I'll fight you if you try to keep my girl from calling me. Like go have experiences. But I want to hear from her.

I have a client whose in-laws got angry that they were not invited on the other side of the family's family vacation. And then that family had to recreate the vacation with them because they felt left out.

That's crazy.

Insanity.

Yeah. It was good time to work out for them.

Well, and I think that's something I really had never thought about is the jealousy between families. So that adds like if you're going to invite your in-laws on a trip, does that mean that you have to invite everybody on a trip? or, or, you know, my view would be let's just have multiple trips? Yes. I would, I would do that. All right. That is one more question unpacked. If you have a travel stumper you want us to tackle, or if you're ready to let a pro handle the heavy lifting on your next getaway, send us text to the show. Or come find us at Mickey guru.com. Or you can take a peek at the show notes and reach out to us on social. I'd also love for you to pop over and say hi on Instagram or tick tock. See you next week. We'll be answering the question. Is the Disney dining plan actually worth the money? See you real soon. Traveler.

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